I think that kids should be taught poetry at a much earlier age than junior high school. Among other things it would help early memory development, which would no doubt help kids in most other subjects. It would help kids to understand the subtleties of language before they are expected to understand classics, unlike most schooling today. I mean, understanding poetry is something so rare yet so appreciated by people who matter; it helps with the study of all literature. Finally, it would help today’s kids to appreciate words. With all of the text slang and instant messenger punctuation running rampant in teenage society today, having an appreciation for the thoughtful use of words and punctuation would be a shield against stupidity.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Reality TV Show Pitch
The quest to achieve the title of "best writer ever."
Who will be the best writer ever?
Will it be Abraham Rosenkrantz-Steinbergenthal, the aspiring Hallmark greeting card writer? Or will it be Hank Brown, the cream of the tomato-blending machine instruction manual writing crop? But the competition becomes fierce when the semi-motivated, food-addicted fortune-cookie writer, Mildred Smithers, enters the scene. And the game will really heat up when Colgate-graduate, Carlton Thomas Fitzgeralingstonworth VII, steps up and wows the audience with his provocotive real-estate descriptions for WeBuyUglyHouses.com. What about Inas, the larger-than-life clothing-tag scribe? Or maybe that lady who wrote Twilight? Only the pages will tell as this gripping saga goes to print.
How to Make Sarah Palin Not Look Stupid
Voice coach: Half the battle is delivery Gov. Palin, and your voice makes you sound 300 to 400 percent stupider
Less make-up: Politicians are ugly, JFK was an anomaly, base your look on Joe Lieberman.
Script audience and reporter questions: Nobody in North Korea thinks Kim Jong-il is a retard…
Work on getting rid of the “rugged Alaskan” association: Nobody watched Jeremiah Johnson for the intellectual stimulation
Supertaster
Something really comforting to say to a blind person: Hey, at least you can still tatse!
I’ve always been interested in taste. The actual sense of taste is probably the most overlooked of all the five senses. Most people don’t say to their recently blind friend “Hey you know, at least you can still taste!” Pretty much only a Michelin Guide critic is going to want to hear that when they go blind. I think taste is way underrated though, I mean, I’m not saying I’d choose it over sight, but maybe touch…it’s definitely not last place, okay? Did you know there are flavors that chemists can make that aren’t found on Earth? So maybe they’d be delicious to aliens, but they just taste like Acetone to us. Plus then there’s the whole notion of non-tasters, medium tasters, and supertasters. Let me tell you, I hope I’m a supertaster. If you are unfamiliar, it has to do with the intensity you rate the taste of a solution of Propylthiouracil, people who think its super bitter are supertasters.
I pretty much hate 3g networks right now
We get it Verizon, you have tons of 3G coverage, and At&t we are also aware that you have EDGE as well as your 3G network.
Seriously kids, play nice. And At&t, did you really think getting Luke Wilson to toss postcards onto a map would be the best response to Verizon’s smear campaign? Really? Verizon, we really do get it, you have more 3G coverage, but a Droid is always going to be shittier than an iPhone, I mean, it’s got a lowercase i in the name…aka gold. Verizon, I must also inquire about the name of your top phone…Droid? The name is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm Ltd., how nerdy do you think society has gotten? I mean, kids like wizards and vampires, but who’s going to want to talk on a “Droid”? We all saw The Matrix, naming a phone “Droid” is just the beginning.
Tiger Woods - Monogamy Defined
Tiger Woods: The most loyal husband known to mankind
I totally get that primetime news programs are going to push the stories that are going to get the most views, but I cannot stress enough how sick I am of turning on CBS and seeing Katie Couric’s Botox ravaged face telling me about Tiger Woods and all of his VHI alumnus girlfriends. It is annoying any night you see it for a number of reasons, prime being that it feels like a story Inside Edition or Access Hollywood should be showing, but what made me really angry was that Tiger Woods’ cheating took more time out of last Tuesday’s news than the 30,000 man troop surge and Obama’s speech at West Point. Clearly producers of today’s nightly news programs aren’t concerned with journalistic integrity.
Monday, December 7, 2009
What I Would Say To Jesus
This is what I would say to Jesus if he asked me who he is. I'm not very religious, but I used to go to a lot of church as a kid.
You are very confusing to me. I and many billions of people in their lifetimes have thought long and hard on who you are. I have prayed to you, sang to you, looked at you, and imagined you, and you have never once given me a response, or something to think about, that would be considered “clear” in any of the very many cultures of Earth. This being an earth that is inhabited by those that were made in your/your father’s image. To a person who thinks critically, it would seem that though you are the “Lord of Love”, you “love” extremely selectively. You are a man who; if half the stories about you are true, are still the most remarkable person to ever live. I say that I love you, and yet I have never seen you, touched you, or heard your voice. I have come to the conclusion that most of my fellow Christians who say that they “believe in you” only do so out of fear of uncertainty of death. The only stories I know of you, didn’t come from you. And yet, as I tell you all of my reasons why I shouldn’t believe in you, I can see you watching me struggle over the concept of you. I am so damn confused still.
Carpets and Crop Circles
Sometimes when I’m walking on carpet and I see those square marks from where the couch used to be, my mind jumps to crop circles. So when you see the marks in the carpet it is not difficult to estimate, with relative accuracy, how heavy the object was that made said mark. With that in mind, alien spaceships must have an incredibly terrible proportion of weight to size. Now the obvious argument in response to this idea would clearly be: “well, spaceships probably didn’t make those marks, considering the massive RADAR signature and incredible amount of sound no doubt accompanied by the landing of such a craft…etc”. That counter-argument could easily start a very long debate with both sides having valid points, i.e. “clearly a species with the technology to make a journey of at least 4.7 light years (the closest probable life sustaining planet to earth) is well past the technology needed to disguise a landing in a corn field…”
All arguments omitted, if we could somehow say that crop circles are truly made by alien spacecraft, maybe aliens cover their floors in carpet.
Letter to Future Self
Dear Kate,
I can only imagine how you must have turned out five years from now. It is difficult for me to see how the hell you are going to pull yourself out of this one. I hope you have realized that true happiness does not come from external factors; it comes from the inside. You have so many wonderful qualities about yourself, and I hope to God that you have seen them by now.
Our past will never disappear, and we both know that, but all that matters is what is in front of us.
Happiness is not created by other people, nor is it created by school or work. I hope you have found happiness in the mere idea of being alive, or at least in knowing that you are a good person. I can't see it right now, but I hope when you read this you will be able to smile, nod your head, and think to yourself that you have accomplished these goals that I have set for us and we can finally be at peace.
I love you very much. And I hope you will always love me back. But mostly, I hope you don't think about me too much. Don't look backwards; look forward.
Love,
Kate
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Fur is Green?
From www.greenwashingindex.com
Rate This Ad
Thank you for rating this ad using the Greenwashing Index. It will generate a score based on your response to the following statements. Your score will be included in the ad’s overall score and your comments will be added to the tally. Scoring is similar to golf: high scores are undesirable (for the advertiser).
This advertisement disturbs me because the connection between protecting the environment and wearing the fur of animals is vague. I do not believe that the majority of trappers are primarily concerned with being eco-friendly, hence the fact that they are trappers and their livelihood is dependent upon the fur trade. It is true that the well-being of the Earth's forests is important for trappers for the mere reason that wildlife can prosper fitfully, but economically that is due to the fact that they will benefit financially. I do not consider trappers to be "protectors" of wildlife. It is also very hypocritical for the ad to say that trappers are "the first to sound the alarm when these vital wildlife habitats are threatened" since they are the ones who are actually harming the wildlife. Keeping the environment safe is necessary; killing animals to sell furcoats is not. The text is misleading in a non-obvious way, but it is indeed obvious to me that FurisGreen.com and Beautifully Canada was scrambling to find some kind of correlation between wearing fur and going green.
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