Poetry

I think that kids should be taught poetry at a much earlier age than junior high school. Among other things it would help early memory development, which would no doubt help kids in most other subjects. It would help kids to understand the subtleties of language before they are expected to understand classics, unlike most schooling today. I mean, understanding poetry is something so rare yet so appreciated by people who matter; it helps with the study of all literature. Finally, it would help today’s kids to appreciate words. With all of the text slang and instant messenger punctuation running rampant in teenage society today, having an appreciation for the thoughtful use of words and punctuation would be a shield against stupidity.

Reality TV Show Pitch

The quest to achieve the title of "best writer ever."

Who will be the best writer ever?

Will it be Abraham Rosenkrantz-Steinbergenthal, the aspiring Hallmark greeting card writer? Or will it be Hank Brown, the cream of the tomato-blending machine instruction manual writing crop? But the competition becomes fierce when the semi-motivated, food-addicted fortune-cookie writer, Mildred Smithers, enters the scene. And the game will really heat up when Colgate-graduate, Carlton Thomas Fitzgeralingstonworth VII, steps up and wows the audience with his provocotive real-estate descriptions for WeBuyUglyHouses.com. What about Inas, the larger-than-life clothing-tag scribe? Or maybe that lady who wrote Twilight? Only the pages will tell as this gripping saga goes to print.

How to Make Sarah Palin Not Look Stupid

Voice coach: Half the battle is delivery Gov. Palin, and your voice makes you sound 300 to 400 percent stupider

Less make-up: Politicians are ugly, JFK was an anomaly, base your look on Joe Lieberman.

Script audience and reporter questions: Nobody in North Korea thinks Kim Jong-il is a retard…

Work on getting rid of the “rugged Alaskan” association: Nobody watched Jeremiah Johnson for the intellectual stimulation

Supertaster

Something really comforting to say to a blind person: Hey, at least you can still tatse!

I’ve always been interested in taste. The actual sense of taste is probably the most overlooked of all the five senses. Most people don’t say to their recently blind friend “Hey you know, at least you can still taste!” Pretty much only a Michelin Guide critic is going to want to hear that when they go blind. I think taste is way underrated though, I mean, I’m not saying I’d choose it over sight, but maybe touch…it’s definitely not last place, okay? Did you know there are flavors that chemists can make that aren’t found on Earth? So maybe they’d be delicious to aliens, but they just taste like Acetone to us. Plus then there’s the whole notion of non-tasters, medium tasters, and supertasters. Let me tell you, I hope I’m a supertaster. If you are unfamiliar, it has to do with the intensity you rate the taste of a solution of Propylthiouracil, people who think its super bitter are supertasters.

I pretty much hate 3g networks right now

We get it Verizon, you have tons of 3G coverage, and At&t we are also aware that you have EDGE as well as your 3G network.

Seriously kids, play nice. And At&t, did you really think getting Luke Wilson to toss postcards onto a map would be the best response to Verizon’s smear campaign? Really? Verizon, we really do get it, you have more 3G coverage, but a Droid is always going to be shittier than an iPhone, I mean, it’s got a lowercase i in the name…aka gold. Verizon, I must also inquire about the name of your top phone…Droid? The name is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm Ltd., how nerdy do you think society has gotten? I mean, kids like wizards and vampires, but who’s going to want to talk on a “Droid”? We all saw The Matrix, naming a phone “Droid” is just the beginning.

Tiger Woods - Monogamy Defined

Tiger Woods: The most loyal husband known to mankind

I totally get that primetime news programs are going to push the stories that are going to get the most views, but I cannot stress enough how sick I am of turning on CBS and seeing Katie Couric’s Botox ravaged face telling me about Tiger Woods and all of his VHI alumnus girlfriends. It is annoying any night you see it for a number of reasons, prime being that it feels like a story Inside Edition or Access Hollywood should be showing, but what made me really angry was that Tiger Woods’ cheating took more time out of last Tuesday’s news than the 30,000 man troop surge and Obama’s speech at West Point. Clearly producers of today’s nightly news programs aren’t concerned with journalistic integrity.

What I Would Say To Jesus

This is what I would say to Jesus if he asked me who he is. I'm not very religious, but I used to go to a lot of church as a kid.

You are very confusing to me. I and many billions of people in their lifetimes have thought long and hard on who you are. I have prayed to you, sang to you, looked at you, and imagined you, and you have never once given me a response, or something to think about, that would be considered “clear” in any of the very many cultures of Earth. This being an earth that is inhabited by those that were made in your/your father’s image. To a person who thinks critically, it would seem that though you are the “Lord of Love”, you “love” extremely selectively. You are a man who; if half the stories about you are true, are still the most remarkable person to ever live. I say that I love you, and yet I have never seen you, touched you, or heard your voice. I have come to the conclusion that most of my fellow Christians who say that they “believe in you” only do so out of fear of uncertainty of death. The only stories I know of you, didn’t come from you. And yet, as I tell you all of my reasons why I shouldn’t believe in you, I can see you watching me struggle over the concept of you. I am so damn confused still.