G.I. NO

Every once in a while, on rare occasions, you come across a movie that leaves you completely speechless. There are those special films that seem to temporarily change your entire outlook on life as you walk out of the theatre when the credits start rolling, and you find yourself dazed and startled by the sudden thrust into the light as the other movie-goers are swarming around you and you realize you're back in the real world. Your mouth is slightly gaping as you replay the last few minutes of the movie in your head, wondering what the hell just happened to you. 

 A few days ago, I saw the most terrible, horribly awful movie that I paid $30 to see ($10 for the ticket, $20 for the shitload of food I would need to distract myself from what was sure to be excruciating pain that I suspected would be emitting from the screen in front of me). And sadly, it was worse than that. I will never forgive my younger brother for taking me to G.I. Joe; I have officially lost 2 and a half of hours of my life that I will never be able to get back. Plus $30. 

 The plot was centered around a military weapon, called a "nanotech" which was some kind of electronic device that could eat through matter, which doesn't make any damn sense. I sadly can't say much else about the storyline. 

 The stereotyped character development was worse than watching paint dry. There's the vaguely attractive hero with no personality, the comic relief, black sidekick who always has overwhelmingly hilarious things to say about everything, and the shy, hot girl who initially rejects the sidekick then weirdly changes her mind at the end of the movie and decides she likes him after all. The worst parts were definitely any time the villian was in a scene. There is one part where there is an intense battle scene in Iraq and this helicopter lands and out stomps this tall brunette with an uncomfortably tight leather, one-piece outfit where she proceeded to start fighting with a gun in each hand like in The Matrix. I was very disturbed/annoyed by this. It wasn't cool and/or hot, it was just awkward.

 This movie really got me asking some questions about Hollywood: How hard were the producers of G.I. Joe laughing all the way to the Box Office? Why couldn't they at least pick cool actors? (I'm guessing because any cool actor would rather talk to only a garlic milkshake for 2 months that have any sort of affiliation to this movie). Does the movie industry rely on moderately interesting special effects to hold an audience's attention? Have we as human beings gotten to a point where story line, character, and emotions in a film are not as entertaining? And lastly, why the hell was Dennis Quaid in the movie?

 Don't see G.I. Joe.

Final movie rating: Z-

Thank you.